Marisa Miller is een designer, schrijver en material cultures researcher. Hen breekt graag met op (disfunctionele, op gender gebaseerde) heersende overtuigingen over seks, en hen maakt onder andere sextoys.

Hierboven kun je een fragment lezen uit een interview met Lot Veelenturf, waarin Marisa vertelt over het hebben van een baby in je buik, maar je niet identificeren als vrouw. Beluister hiernaast het hele interview!


Marisa Miller is a designer, writer and material cultures researcher. They like to break down dysfunctional gender specific belief systems around sex and they make, among other things, sex toys.

Above you can read a fragment from an interview with Lot Veelenturf, in which Marisa talks about having a baby in their belly, but not identifying as a woman. Listen to the whole interview on the left!



"I feel like gender has created a language, so there’s so much about these words that have accumulated an intense amount of meaning –I’m talking about the English language, because the Dutch language has a completely other side of words and meaning behind those words.

For instance the word ‘mother’. It’s so loaded. People have all sorts of ideas about ‘mom’ and ‘mother’. And it’s not just about squeezing a baby through your vagina, it’s an entire world of assumptions. I’ve had a lot of conversations with my partner, who has a different mindset, but I’ve had conversations with him about what I’m experiencing and what’s important about having this baby and about my own gender, and all this shit. And whenever I expressed that I’m not connected to ‘mother’, and it’s not something I want to be called, he said something to me that was really illuminating: ‘Does that mean you don’t want to do the things that mothers do?’ He brought up an example about how mothers are the ones that children go to when they’re having an emotional problem or want emotional support. And of course I want to be there for my kid, but I’m not interested in framing myself in language in a way that people have these preprescribed expectations of and has all these stories connected to them. So this is one of the reasons why there is a set of words that I’m interested in very specifically disconnecting myself from. It feels really important to me." 


Is there a word that you would feel comfortable with?


"If I’m being referred to by other people –just as ‘parent’. But for my kid?

I keep thinking about it. I looked this shit up, because the word ‘mama’ (I just went on Wikipedia and looked up some articles) is used in a lot of different cultures. It’s used in cultures that have no common linguistic root. The word ‘mama’ is actually something that parents hear their baby make as a noise. It’s actually just a mouth-smacking noise that has to do with saying ‘I want milk’.

There’s something about that that I find really sweet. But at the same time there are all these associations with it that I don’t want anything to do with. I don’t really want to follow that tradition. And I do plan to breastfeed, but I can identify with that kind of connection. All that is to say: there’s a lot of questions I have, and I feel like I wanted to have all this shit resolved before I have my baby, but I don’t have it resolved quite yet. So I don’t know what I want my kid to call me, I keep on thinking: ‘Maybe Lala?’"